On Giving Up...and Taking On

In 2007 I gave up consuming...the buying kind. I stopped shopping and didn't buy anything save groceries and necessary toiletries.  No new shoes, cute ceramic owls, clothes, cooking accessories, etc..   I looked around and realized I had everything I needed...and I gave up control, putting faith into the belief that the Universe would provide me with so much more if I just let things be.

I wanted to look at how I used what I had...and really figure out the "Need vs. Want."  I knew I'd learn lessons about how media and advertising impacted me.  (An interesting approach for someone who is fascinated with marketing, no?)   I hoped I'd learn a lot about myself while shedding what few consumerist pounds I had in my veins.  (I wasn't really a big 'buyer' before then anyway.)

I had no idea I'd learn so much about others int he process, or that I'd spend such a significant amount of time assuring others that I didn't give a hooey about what THEY bought...no really...I don't care. 

Most friends knew about my "Year of Not Consuming" and their reactions to it were fascinating...and tiring.

"I'm going to Target...ohmygod, don't judge me because I went there...." 
"I was at Kohls this weekend and got three shirts and two skirts for under $100. *gasp* Oh no....SORRRRY....I hope I don't offend you by talking to you about this!??" 

While I appreciated the fact that they were trying to be...helpful (?)...sensitive (?)...what I never could really get through to people is that my decision to not consume WASN'T ABOUT THEM!  It wasn't about their spending. (I don't care WHAT you buy!)  It wasn't about their shopping excursions. (Go wherever you want!  Buy what you want!)  I honestly don't CARE.   No...really!  Go forth and be happy...with whatever!

Was it a lesson on how my intentional life-changes psychologically impacted others? 
Was it a lesson on how when you make a change...then others will automatically think you're judging them? 

I have NO idea...but those are two of the questions I walked away from 2007 with.  (That, and a lot less STUFF.)    

I fully believe that I am responsible for ME...and that others are responsible for THEMSELVES.  I can support you but do not have to personally take on  the troubles that you're having in order to do so (see the book: If You Meet The Buddha On The Road, Kill Him.)    I can have unconditional positive regard for you (see: Carl Rogers) and accept you absolutely where you are, but not have to be going through, or have gone through, the same things in order to accept you. 

As I was thinking about this post (not for long, I didn't want to overthink it) I wondered if it was my background and training as a therapist that helped me really separate my own issues from others, and others issues from me...but I know it started a lot earlier than that.

I was, in many ways and for many reasons, picked on a LOT as a kid.  At different times as I was growing up I was fat, a feminist, opinionated, and gay (eventually all at the same time! Whee!!)    I was bullied, belittled, randomly friended and unfriended, and insecure...and like many who go through that, I internalized it.

Somewhere along the line I started to figure out that none of the things I was picked on about were actually MY issue, they were others' issues with me...and probably really ABOUT themselves, not me at all.  As I came to really understand and live that out, I had a terribly rough exterior about it ("Don't like it? Go to hell.")  Later I realized that we're all broken and I can stand next to you and choose to not let your opinions impact me.   On the other side of that, I can have an opinion...and you don't have to take it as a personal attack either.    Sure, I always need to work on my own edginess...and understanding the responses and reactions of others, but there's always something we need to work on. 


What I picked up without cost that year was the realization that we're all somehow, for some reason tied together with emotional strands...and tangled up in there is a wild web of emotions and fears.  My strand that reaches out to you is honestly one of acceptance, that you can be who you are, make the choices you want, and I will still accept you, though I may not want to do as you do, or believe the same things. If I make a change, or have a feeling about something, it may somehow trigger an emotion or a fear of judgement in you...but it's just ME, not you.  Be YOU.  I'm cool with that.  I promise.